I've recently bought a 26 year old Volkswagen Beetle whom I have named Esmeralda. I'm yet to take the helm, it was Luscious Lola who delivered her to me. Having never driven in Poland, and seeing as they drive on the wrong side of the road, I thought it would be wise to arrange a driving lesson to familiarize myself with the lay of the land before seizing the reigns.
I made an appointment at a nearby driving school for 9am and had to wait 15 minutes for my instructor to turn up, being late is the norm in these parts. She turned out to be a tightly wrapped temptress of about 40 with spray-on jeans and silver eyelashes. Once I had grasped the fact that the gearstick is on the right-hand side we set off for a circuit of the city.
Road signs are sparse to say the least and car wreckage is a common sight. Adding to the carnage is the fact that Poles drive like lunatics with no respect or consideration for anyone, least of all pedestrians. Even when people on foot get the 'green man' to cross the road, cars are allowed to weave in between them. In Eastern Europe, the bigger and more expensive your car, the more important you are. Pedestrians are worthless.
After a spell of being honked and screamed at by scores of aggressive drivers for not mowing down more old ladies, my instructor, who had spent most of the time on her mobile, directed me to a busy street and got me to pull over as she had to meet her children. After conversing for 10 minutes with three grubby urchins outside a shop, and then popping into another for some fags, she bounded back and we set off again.
Her husband called from home as he was having trouble finding his glasses, so I had to listen as she went through the endless possibilities of where they might be while he turned the house upside down.
Yet another call on her trusty mobile brought the news that we had to pick up her colleague to take her with us back to the driving school. So we drove into a maze of massive concrete blocks and waited for a while until a foxy female emerged from the greyness and slid onto the back seat. With the two of them now talking gibberish I suddenly felt as if I was intruding, so I sped back to base a good 5 minutes early and they hardly seemed to notice as I said goodbye.
I now feel ready to embrace the Polish roads. I shall choose a quiet morning maybe at the weekend and take Esmeralda for a spin... I'm chomping at the bit.
Word of the week: Ukierunkowywac meaning direct.
